Everyone tells you that having a child will change your life. A few people will tell you how hard it will be. Even fewer people tell you that there are many many days that are not enjoyable and the main goal for that day will be to survive it. I will say that all those things are true. In addition, having a child will bring you the happiest moments in your life and you will experience more love then ever imaginable.
I have always wanted to be a mother. I could never imagine my life without children (or at least one). When people would tell me it would be hard and difficult, I believed them. I also believed that my desire and willingness to be a mother would be enough to overcome the most difficult days. That was a cute little dream land I lived in until Amelia was about 4 weeks old and I was told she had colic. I remember the day so well. She had been screaming alot the past week so I took her to the doctor. I just knew he was going to say she had an ear infection, or she wasn’t getting enough to eat or something that was “fixable”. When I explained to him her symptoms he immediately said “It sounds like she has colic, there is nothing we can do. It will get better usually around 3 months.” Wait! What? There is no options for fixing this? How will I deal with this for another 2 months? And that friends is when it got real! I left the doctor’s office and treated myself to an ice cream sundae. I figured I was going to need the extra calories!
The next 3 months were very difficult. Some days I felt like all I tried to do was survive the day. Some days are still difficult. I never knew heartbreak and patience until my baby was screaming and there is nothing I can do to help her. There have also been many days that have brought me more joy than I ever thought I could feel. I have actually thought my heart could burst because it was filled with so much joy and love. I feel so blessed to have a beautiful and healthy child. I see others who are struggling to have a baby or have a child who is sick and I appreciate the greatest blessing I have. I know I am one lucky girl!
Since Amelia was born my faith and spirit have been tested more then ever before. There were many moments that my faith in Jesus Christ was the only thing that keep me going. I am also blessed to have an amazing husband and mother to be there for me as well. I felt so much guilt that I wasn’t enjoying everyday. People kept saying to me, cherish these times because they go by so quickly. But there were days I keep wishing they would pass quicker.
I receive daily devotional emails from Proverbs 31 Ministries. A few months ago they advertised an online Bible study called Am I Messing Up My Kids by Lysa TerKeurst. I was so excited to find a Bible study for mothers and immediately purchased the book to go along with the online study. Every week I would read a few chapters and there would be a quick video. I can not say enough good things about this book! It was truly a blessing to me and I still study it today. With every chapter I felt there was something that God wanted me to hear and related to exactly what I was feeling. Some of the most important points that helped me most was that is okay to not love every moment and the hard times will pass. This is a season in my life that God is growing and stretching me spiritually. It made me realize that God is molding me into someone better and stronger.
“Some days you’ll feel as though your life is just a tangled mess, but those knots are necessary to ground us in the Lord and make the fabric of our life strong.” —Lysa TerKeurst
Wow! Talk about gaining a new perspective! When we change the way we perceive something our attitudes can change. So instead of feeling guilt and failure, I choose to see grace and growth. I am not a perfect mother and never will be, but knowing that God is in control and is shaping me into a better follower of Him makes the difficult days worth is all.